Back to the grindstone...

Monday was my first day back to work.

{insert lots of tears}

I cried a little on Saturday and A LOT on Sunday. When my alarm went off Monday morning I felt a huge pang of sadness. The day had come as much as I didn't want it too and way too fast, in my opinion. I showered, got ready and held my girl the rest of the morning until I had to leave.

The hurt I felt is almost indescribable. I'd never been away from her and now I was going to have to be away for 11 hours. My heart felt like it was literally breaking into a million pieces and all the kings men and all the kings horses wouldn't be able put me back together.

It was so hard to hand her to my husband and get in the car. It was even harder to drive away.

I cried the whole way to work. How had 2 months already gone by? It seems like yesterday that she was born. I can still remember every detail of the day even down to things I was thinking. My whole 8 week maternity leave flashed before my eyes and here I was....already driving my way into work.

Hugging her goodbye was dreadful. Feeling her sweet little body in my arms. Her sweet snuggles. Her smell. Oh God her smell. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

Walking into work I tried to compose myself, however, when I saw a co-worker in the elevator and he asked how I was, I started crying. I cried a few times that morning, but was able to get it together. I had lunch with one of my best friends, which helped a lot. Then before I knew it, it was time to go home.

Driving home I was so happy and excited. Hubby met me in the driveway and I cuddled her all night. Then cried again when it was time to put her to bed. It just didn't seem like enough time.

Yesterday I cried when I left again, but it was better. I was able to happily talk about Lexie and get through the day with flying colors. Again, I rushed home to snuggle her until bedtime. And again I cried putting her in her bassinet. Still not enough time.

I guess I'll never feel like I have enough time with her. I spent 24/7 with her on my leave and that wasn't enough. So that being said I feel like eternity still wouldn't be enough. I guess that's just something I'll learn to live with. I can tell you though, that now, no matter how long I get with her in the mornings or evenings I cherish every second. I take in everything about her. Every smile. Every coo. What she's looking at. All to fill that void I get during the day when I'm away.

It's incredibly hard to be away from her. Wondering what she's doing. However, I know by me working we can provide her with things she wants and needs. Save for college. Save for her future. Give her things we maybe didn't have. I hope that I can be an inspiration to her. A role model. That you can be a working professional and a great mom. That I'm helping to support our family. Because I do it all for her and my husband. They are my life.

Work started off good, but seems back to the same old same old. It's hard. I'm trying to stay strong, but little holes add up and I break down. I haven't cried though, just vented. It's funny...when you have a baby, all your perspectives on life change. What's important. What's worth the effort. What really matters.

Being a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend is what matters most.