Daycare

Today my little girl started daycare and I'm a complete mess.

I was strong up until my husband put her in his truck and then I lost it. "Will she be OK? Will they be good to her? Will they play with her? Will they know what to do when she's upset? Will she miss me? Will she realize I'm gone? Will she love them more than me?"

Rationally thinking I know the answer to all these questions, but I was far from rational this morning. Leaving my little baby with people I don't know just kills me. Thank goodness my husband dropped her off, because I couldn't have done it. Well I guess I could have, but it wouldn't have been pretty. Picture a big blubbering mess and that about covers it.

Last night I packed her daycare bag with extra clothes, bibs, a blanket, bottles with formula, socks, a list of everything about her (lol) and how to care for her, bags for dirty clothes and some diaper rash cream. Hubby took her diapers and wipes up yesterday. This morning I dressed her cute and clipped on her pacifier so she'd have it with her all day. I cuddled her and cuddled her until I absolutely had to leave for work.

And then I cried the whole way. I still haven't even been able to eat breakfast.

I'm dying to call and see how she's doing, but I'm afraid I'll start crying. I think I need to get it together a bit more before I try to call.

This is like the first day of work all over again. Sucky.

In my 9.5 weeks of being a mother I've learned that while it's the most wonderful job in the entire world, it's also the hardest. It's constantly filled with heartache and worry for your child. My heart breaks that I can't be with her all day and that I have to leave her with strangers (well they are strangers for now anyway). I'm sad thinking about all the things I will miss during the day. I'm sad when I put her to bed at night because another day has come and gone and I didn't get enough time. My heart aches that she might miss me or need me and I won't be there. I worry how she'll be without me...

Like I said...I'm a mess today.

The one thing getting me through this morning is that when I got her out of her pack-n-play this morning she gave me the biggest smile when I told her "Good Morning" and that just melted my heart.

Being a mother is wonderful in every way...even the heartache, because I've experienced a love like nothing else. I know my heartache and worry is because of my love for my daughter and how important she is to me. While there is the heartache, there is also so much joy. So much joy that it does overshadow the sad. It's just hard now because I miss her so much.

I just keep thinking of her sweet coos, those big bright smiles of hers that light up her eyes, how she kicks her legs in excitement and screaches in excitement. She's such a wonderful child. I know I need to be strong for her and for me, but I think I just need to allow myself to be a little sad. There's millions of mommies that do this. I can too.