It's really over...
Today marks 8 weeks since my beautiful baby girl was born. 8 weeks. It's insane to think it was 8 weeks ago that she was born. Everything seems so fresh still. So new. She's still so tiny. It's been 60 days. It's joyous that my baby girl is growing and thriving, but it's sad on another front as well. My 8 week maternity leave is now up....
I go back to work on Monday.
My heart wretches as I write those words. Monday. In 3 days. In 3 days I have to go back to work. To leave my baby. I've struggled with this for awhile now...this looming date...knowing this time would come and I would have to go back to work.
Staying home was never an option for me, so I was good enough to myself never to get it in my head that I could ever stay home. It's just that my 8 weeks have passed and now it's time for me to go back. I knew leaving my child would be hard. I thought a lot about it. I just didn't anticipate how heart breaking it would be...leaving me feeling completely helpless.
It's an odd feeling to know what is coming, but be so completely unable to dodge it, delay it, or avoid it all together. It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm up. Not because of my baby, but because of my boobs (btw...they just don't go away when you stop breastfeeding...but that's for another post) and my brain. It's spinning in circles.
How will I make it? How can it be Friday, July 15th already? May 20 seems so far away now. I was home for the whole month of June? It doesn't feel like I've been home for 2 months. I've been dreading this day and now it's here. 3 more days before I have to go back to work.
Thankfully Alexis won't start daycare until the 27th of July since my husband still has another week and a half before football starts. So at least when I leave her for the first time, I'll be leaving her with my husband...not strangers. But still. It hurts.
I know no one can ever care for her the way I do. No one will have the patience, the love, the time...It's hard to imagine leaving your precious child in the hands of a stranger. Will they be sure to check her diaper often? Will they feed her every 3 hours like she's supposed to? Will they play with her? Will she realize I'm not with her all day? Will she forget about me? Will she remember me?
Forgive me if I seem over the top. Everyone tells me there's no way your child will forget you. It's just that I've been with my daughter day in and day out for the last 2 months. Loving her. Caring for her. And now someone else will be doing it. I feel halfway neglectful as I've had a baby and now someone else will be caring for her 11 hours a day, 5 days a week. I know that's silly, but that's an irrational, hormonal brain for you.
I know there are plenty of moms that work and send their kids to daycare and the kids turn out fine. My husband is fine. Normal. Loves his mom more than anything. I've read lots of articles on how beneficial daycare is to children. Their social and development skills benefit and it's great for them. I just picture my sweet, tiny baby in a room with 3-4 other babies. I don't want them to forget about her even though I know they won't. We picked a great place for her to go and I know (I hope) they'll take good care of her, I just can't help my brain.
I don't have very many people to relate to as far as going back to work after a baby. I've reached out to others who have asking for advice and how to basically survive. All tell me it's hard, but I will survive. They say you get used to your schedule and you live by it. It's never easy knowing you're leaving your child every day, but you get used to your schedule and you make the most of it. I guess I just need to get to that point. And that will take time...
For now I'm sad. I don't think anything anyone can say will change that. I already miss my sweet girl. I know my working will allow us to further provide for her...save for her college...give her everything we can and I like the thought of that. It's just hard knowing I won't be with her every day. Someone told me recently that being a working mom allows them to actually miss their child. They don't take them for granted and they cherish all the time they have with them. Not to take away from a stay at home mom, but I appreciated that comment.
So for the next 3 days I plan on cuddling my baby. Kissing her. Hugging her. Stroking her sweet furry head. Memorizing that adorable smile. And basically hogging her goodness until Monday decides to show it's ugly head. I don't want to be sad the next three days...I want to enjoy her and savor these last few days of my leave...it's just hard when in the back of my mind I see it all coming to an end. Knowing I have to leave her. Hmpf.
I figure I've written enough for this morning...I should try to get some sleep. Wipe my tears. Find those big girl mommy panties and put them on. Be positive. Find the good. We'll see what I can manage as I find my way in the dark back to my room :) Thanks for listening...reading rather...and letting me lay it all out there (if you made it this far). I don't know if I feel any better, but it definitely helped writing it down. Perhaps I can slow my brain to get a few more hours of sleep. Alexis will probably be up in 1.5-2 hours. Then it's time to cuddle :)
5 comments:
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this... heartbreaking! I live in Canada and I got a year off and I felt that that wasnt enough.
WOW 8 weeks only, that is way too short.
I hate that you have to go back to work already! It is going to be very hard especially on Monday and you are probably going to do a lot of crying. I'm here if you need to chat. I have to say I've been leaving Liz with a family member once a week so I can look for a job and get things done around the house and I miss her so much and appreciate her much more when she gets home.
Hopefully Monday will go by super fast for you!
I'm crying for you, I can't imagine! I went back part time for a couple of months after Cara was born to get us out of debt and it was the hardest few months ever.
Just to encourage you, you can do it! Either way. If you feel led to go back to work, it will work. If you feel the holy spirit stirring you constantly that you need to be home with her, then that'll work too.
I'm not trying to change your mind at all. I was a career woman and had paid my deposit at my day care and no one was going to tell me how to live. But the moment I held that first baby, I knew I couldn't bare to leave her.
I'm sure Eric and Tony's salaries are similar. If you still feel tortured after a few weeks, months, I'd reconsider it. Your child won't remember how much stuff they had growing up, or if they had the fanciest car or the coolest (believe me, my kids think Eric's 97 Oldmobile that we paid cash for is cooler than my 2007!), but they will remember spending time with mom and dad. They can go to college even if you don't have 100,000 saved when they turn 18. You might sacrifice for them, but aren't they worth it?? :)
Love you friend. I'll be praying for you on Monday to give you peace! That baby has an amazing mommy!
I feel your pain! My son was born on May 4 and I was fortunate enough to be able to take almost 10 weeks off. Last Tuesday was my first day back and it was so incredibly tough, even though I love love love the daycare/preschool Wyatt attends. We have managed well though and I have packed in so much loving and care in my nighttime hours and this past weekend. Hope the transition isn't too terrible!
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